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jesnake's favorite FMLs
Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
by Anonymous / 08/11/2012 at 6:22pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy
by Epiphany / 07/19/2012 at 5:01am / United States / Health
by Leyla / 07/14/2012 at 3:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though; he's not a rapist. FML
by Anonymous / 07/10/2012 at 12:43pm / Canada / Miscellaneous
by mustanggt / 07/10/2012 at 11:39am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/27/2012 at 3:42am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
by smart move there / 05/16/2012 at 12:10pm / Ireland (Kildare) / Intimacy
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
by Anonymous / 04/13/2012 at 10:06pm / France / Miscellaneous
by jesifairy / 04/13/2012 at 12:46am / Australia / Love
Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML
by Sadboy / 04/06/2012 at 10:24am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML
by Username / 02/13/2012 at 4:31pm / India / Kids
by Kingspin / 03/30/2011 at 12:14pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML
by belle_arina / 10/08/2009 at 1:05am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/10/2009 at 9:12am / United States (Maine) / Kids
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
by RC3Welly / 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
- Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because… Today, after recently moving to Australia, I saw my first kangaroo. In the refrigerated section of… Today, I came back from the hospital after back surgery which required putting screws in my spine.…