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Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML
I agree, your life sucks (35766) - you deserved it (2681)
On 05/22/2013 at 9:57pm - work - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (54364) - you deserved it (11068)
On 05/04/2013 at 3:22am - kids - by prostitott -
Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML
I agree, your life sucks (53708) - you deserved it (7632)
On 05/02/2013 at 8:50pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
I agree, your life sucks (68895) - you deserved it (3077)
On 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm - animals - by halliemarie1818 - United States
Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28585) - you deserved it (94550)
Today, my twelve year-old son thought it would be a good idea to relentlessly shoot the mail truck with a paintball gun in front of all the neighbors. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25385) - you deserved it (8093)
On 04/05/2013 at 12:25am - kids - by NYmets456 - United States (New York)
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML
I agree, your life sucks (45059) - you deserved it (6981)
On 02/08/2013 at 2:13am - intimacy - by mydadsgonnakillme (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was having a conversation with my mother during which I described something as being pungent. She thought I had made up the word, so I grabbed the dictionary to show her that I hadn't. She then became enraged, threw the dictionary at my head and told me never to talk to her again. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25358) - you deserved it (2372)
On 01/17/2013 at 1:38am - misc - by Mizzaroo - United States (Washington)
Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22618) - you deserved it (5542)
On 12/27/2012 at 5:16am - animals - by DarkDisaster (woman) - United States
Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22265) - you deserved it (3162)
On 10/22/2012 at 2:56pm - kids - by thebeachisthatway (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I discovered my son, who has recently moved out of our home, eating his dog's food. His excuse? He wanted the new Pokemon game, and "compromises had to be made". FML
I agree, your life sucks (14963) - you deserved it (1790)
Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML
I agree, your life sucks (31149) - you deserved it (1491)
On 08/18/2012 at 1:15am - health - by Anonymous - United States
Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
I agree, your life sucks (10551) - you deserved it (32417)
On 08/11/2012 at 6:22pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Alberta)
Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24595) - you deserved it (1688)
On 07/19/2012 at 5:01am - health - by Epiphany (man) - United States
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10467) - you deserved it (19235)
On 07/14/2012 at 3:09am - intimacy - by Leyla - Canada (Ontario)
Monday 20 May 2013
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