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Offline (the 11/29/2014 at 3:55pm) | Search for a member
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Yesterday... mah wife got all excitedhen she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heret to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML
Today I Movad Into My Naw Housa . Tha Praviou Occupant Failad To Tall Ma That Thay'd Racantly Kickad Out Thara Crazy Crackhaad Son Ho Saams To Think Thay'va Paid Ma To Pratand That Thay'va Movad Out And That I'm Tha Naw Ownar . Ha Wants Back In . FML
Today usband an I puttd our cildren to bd a little earlier tan usual so we could ave some sexy time. Immediately following full-blown orgasm I rolld over only to see wide-eyd son peeking over te top of te mattress. fat FML
Today, I Retrieved Te Wrong Luggage From An Arport Carousel. I'm Now Te Owner Of Two Water-bras, A False Beard, A Bag Of Cat Litter, An Some Anal Beads. I Am Afraid To Get In Touc Wit Te Original Owner.
today I fartd so loudly I not only woke myself up, but ma usband as well. He mistook ma gas for someone trying to break in and insistd on cecking teole ouse. I was too embarrassd to tell im te trut. FML
MY TODDLER FOUND MAH DAUGHTER'S RECORDER FROM 3RD GRADE AND FIGURED OUT HOW TO PLAY THE HIGHEST PITCH NOTE. OF COURSE, MAH DAUGHTER PULLS OUT HER TROMBONE TO HAVE A JAM SESSION. AND I'M OUT OF IBUPROFEN. FML
TODAY, MAH DAD HIT HIS MID-LIFE CRISIS. WHEN I CAME HOME AND SAID HI, HE TOLD ME TO SHUT UP, THEN WENT TO THE LIVING ROOM. HE THEN LIT UP A CIGARETTE AND STARTED MUTTERING ABOUT HAVING TO PUTTED UP WITH ME, THEN WENT INTO A COUGHING FIT, CUZ HE'S NEVER SMOKED BEFORE IN HIS LIFE. FML
Today, things were getting heatd with the grlfriend. We were mostly nakd, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissd her deeply an whisperd into her ear, "You should loose some wieght". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML
TODAY, I WAS WALKING HOME,HEN A CAR HEADING THE OTHER WAY HIT A TRAFFIC CONE. I MUST HAVE BEEN AN ASSHOLE IN A PREVIOUS LIFE, BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE DECIDED TO MAKE SURE THE CONE FLEW INTO THE SIDE OF MY HEAD. THE BYSTANDERS WERE SHOCKED FIR ALL OF TWO SECONDS BEFORE LAUGHING. MEGA FML
Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML
Today, mah husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at mah grandfather's funeral!! He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic!! We were both kicked out!! My family think I put him up to the whole thing!! FML
Today.. . At The Bank Where I Work.. . I Escorted A Very Short Woman To Her Safe Deposit Box In The Vault . I Left Her Alone.. . Knowing She Could Use The Phone To Call The Reception When She Was Ready To Leave . We Later Realised The Phone Was Too High Fir Her To Reach . If Glares Could Kill . FML
Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bled so I pluggd it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fre as well. FML
Friday 27 March 2015