About instnt1nfction : Bite the pillow, I'm going in dry.
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instnt1nfction's favorite FMLs
Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML
by Alpha / 12/17/2011 at 4:18pm / Estonia / Miscellaneous
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
by DocBastard / 12/16/2011 at 9:29pm / United States / Kids
Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML
by sharon / 12/14/2011 at 4:21pm / United States (Oregon) / Work
by annoyed / 12/14/2011 at 9:06am / United States (Texas) / Transportation
by Santa / 12/12/2011 at 4:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
by Notadrinkanddriveidiot / 12/07/2011 at 9:46am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML
by Anonymous / 12/06/2011 at 12:24pm / Miscellaneous
by Rash / 12/06/2011 at 11:54am / United States (New York) / Animals
by areyouserial / 12/05/2011 at 8:21am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Christina / 12/05/2011 at 12:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Money
Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML
by Anonymous / 12/04/2011 at 8:01am / United States / Intimacy
by robincakes94 / 11/29/2011 at 7:42am / United States / Work
by moopymoplady / 11/28/2011 at 7:44pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML
by Anonymous / 11/28/2011 at 10:45am / United States / Geek
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML
by Dani / 11/28/2011 at 7:34am / Reserved / Miscellaneous
- Today, While at a resort, my friends and I decided to go to the indoor pool. I was surprised when I… Today, I was complaining to a coworker about how my manager had changed my schedule without telling… Today, while on a ride at a water park, someone stole my thongs. The ground is hot enough to burn…