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Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I decided to run a couple laps past him. After a couple minutes, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied" You look really hot!" I thanked him when he quickly replied, " No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML
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On 04/30/2009 at 8:52pm - love - by Eli123 (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML
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On 04/30/2009 at 3:44pm - intimacy - by cait (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
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On 04/30/2009 at 8:15am - intimacy - by soooyeah (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
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On 04/08/2009 at 10:14pm - intimacy - by hammylove (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequins ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then proceeded to slap it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24563) - you totally deserved it (115542)
On 03/17/2009 at 6:16am - intimacy - by Noname (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
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On 03/11/2009 at 8:23pm - intimacy - by SpiderMan (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was going to a Harry Potter convention since I love the books so much. On my drive there I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I forgot my cell phone I decided to try and hitch a ride. I stood on the side of a road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML
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On 03/07/2009 at 11:03pm - misc - by GrLifeusx (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said "Accio." Then I realized I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in real life and in public. FML
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On 03/05/2009 at 7:45pm - misc - by redhead (woman) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML
I agree, your life sucks (34222) - you totally deserved it (85802)
On 03/05/2009 at 1:01am - intimacy - by Noname (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
I agree, your life sucks (48240) - you totally deserved it (21095)
On 03/03/2009 at 1:29pm - intimacy - by Sal (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over randomly, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML
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On 02/27/2009 at 3:57am - misc - by Fenny (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7261) - you totally deserved it (20080)
On 01/23/2009 at 2:50pm - intimacy - by killmyself - United States (California)
Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
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On 01/19/2009 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by stanDman - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
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On 01/12/2009 at 11:19am - intimacy - by Poopy - United States (California)
