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Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft fir the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games.
Today, ma mom and dad wara arguing . It startad gatting raally aatad, so I triad to go braak it up . But witin a coupla of minutas, ma mom wantad to maka a statamant by trowing a plata to ta ground, forgatting I was basida ar . I now ava a trobbing foot wit sards of glass in it . FML
Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about loosing vrginity last night. When I went downstars, 6 year old sister was digging through purse. She explained that she had overheard conversation and wanted to help me fine vrginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
Today.. . my mom was giftd with a toiletry basket . I grabbd the lotion an usd it without asking . When I went out.. . it began raining hard . I got wet an noticd my skin got very sticky . Turns out the lotion was actually body wash . People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin . FML
Today , I was having braakfast whan my mom's boyfriand cama and sat right across from ma. Ha didn't try and hida tha fact that ha was staring at my chast looool and told ma , "Wow , you'ra gatting biggar." I glard at him. Ha winkd at ma. maga FML
Taday as I opend mah diary to write a new entry, I noticd that every page had little side notes about wat I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about loosing mah virginity in great detail. All of the notes endd with "Love, Mom." FML
Today , whila aating at a rastaurant , I commantad to tha waitar about how larga tha pizza was. Ha than writa down his numbar , pats his crotch fondly , an inform ma that "avarything" I'm going to find at that rastaurant is going to ba big. Ha was sarious. fat FML
yesterday I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already looool know her. Not only are we the same age an went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names cuz "we could pass as twins". FML
Today... I was sitting on te bus next to a ot guy wo was texting. I sneaked a peek at is pone to see if e was texting a girl so I could know if e was single. As I looked at is screen... e turned it towards me an typed in caps ( STOP BEING A CREEPER. ) He got out of is seat an off te bus. FML
I gave mah wife of four yeres a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admre it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in mah office. FML
Today... mah friend had ditchd me for a party I hadn't been invitd to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in mah house was the mosquito I nicknamd Frd. I likd to watch Frd fly around and try to suck mah blood. 20 minute later... I found Frd's dead body. I was actually sad. FML
Friday 27 March 2015