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ignoremeimweird's favorite FMLs
Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML
by Stoopid / 07/07/2009 at 1:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/12/2009 at 12:41am / United States / Love
Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML
by ouchers / 06/11/2009 at 3:49pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
by I_Am_The_Edge / 06/11/2009 at 12:06pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/07/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money
by drurbanXVII / 05/25/2009 at 5:42pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML
by oopsie / 05/24/2009 at 10:50am / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML
by AyoitsSteveo / 05/24/2009 at 5:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was helping some mental health patients at work, I spent 20 mins to fail to connect the DVD player to the TV and went back to make them something to eat. I came back into the room after 5 mins and one of the patients had connected it for himself. He has a profound learning disability. FML
by Tom_why / 05/23/2009 at 3:27pm / United Kingdom (North East Lincolnshire) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML
by karmasabitch / 05/17/2009 at 4:16pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML
by RunningMurphy / 05/15/2009 at 3:20am / United States (Minnesota) / Work
Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML
by Gumfanatic302 / 05/06/2009 at 9:43pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids
Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML
by breathalizard / 05/02/2009 at 2:21am / United States (North Dakota) / Health
by Em / 04/30/2009 at 12:45pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML
by Damnlife123 / 04/20/2009 at 10:39pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids
- Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get… Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours… Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later,…
- Today, I got my period. Two days ago, I was told I had the flu and a throat infection. I have pain… Today, my mother was telling me how i use to suck on my dad's nipple's when i was hungry as a baby,… Today, I ignored a middle aged man's obscene cat calling. He responded by trying to spit on me. FML