About ianbeef : Ask what you want to know.
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ianbeef's favorite FMLs
by pride? what's that? :( / 08/31/2012 at 8:23pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Intimacy
Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML
by Anonymous / 08/31/2012 at 7:16pm / United States (California) / Work
Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML
by blue / 08/25/2012 at 5:59pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health
Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML
by BirthdayFail / 08/14/2012 at 3:57am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, it was my twenty-first birthday, and a couple of friends took me out to celebrate. After ordering us shots throughout the night, my friends took off abruptly, leaving me with my very first bar tab. FML
by Chamorru / 08/11/2012 at 1:53pm / Finland (Southern Finland) / Money
by Anonymous / 07/28/2012 at 12:02pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went on an overnight airplane flight. I wanted to be comfy so I took off my shorts, threw a blanket over myself, and slept. When the lights came back on, I ran to the bathroom before they served food. After using the bathroom, I noticed I hadn't put my shorts back on. FML
by anonymous / 07/28/2012 at 9:26am / Lebanon / Transportation
by strangebeans / 07/25/2012 at 1:27am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
by Anonymous / 07/10/2012 at 6:03am / United States / Intimacy
by fail / 06/15/2012 at 11:36am / United States (Tennessee) / Love
Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML
by needurlove / 04/15/2012 at 2:49am / United States (Idaho) / Love
Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML
by anne / 12/16/2011 at 10:46pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML
by agony / 12/16/2011 at 10:29pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML
by anonymous / 12/16/2011 at 9:06pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
by Anonymous / 04/02/2009 at 1:13am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
- Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died.… Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl… Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up,…
- Today, I work as a cashier at McDonalds. Some guy came in and ordered a $1.50 coffee and payed with… Today while hanging out with my boyfriend and two of our guy friends I realized I was what you call… Today, i went in for my first day of physical therapy. As I was explaining to the doctor that I had…
- Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that… Today, I’m in China for work. All my work is stored in my Google Drive, directly via the internet.… Today, I couldn't get into my car. I got mad at the lock, and my key broken inside it. It wasn't my…