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howdoiusername's favorite FMLs

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

#19995362
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22274) - you deserved it (1386)

On 07/31/2012 at 9:54pm - work - by kaitlyna15 - United States (Washington)

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

#19993820
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25632) - you deserved it (4264)

On 07/31/2012 at 1:36am - kids - by mcase - United States (California)

Today, due to my boyfriend teasing me about me possibly having been conceived on a beach because I was born in Hawaii, I finally asked my mom if I really was. She said no, but then told me in detail how much sex on a beach hurts when you get sand up your ass. FML

#19991998
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24269) - you deserved it (5707)

On 07/30/2012 at 1:56am - intimacy - by skyplaysguitar - United States (New Mexico)

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

#19991658
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33329) - you deserved it (5019)

On 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm - misc - by guy - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

#19991658
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33329) - you deserved it (5019)

On 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm - misc - by guy - United States (Ohio)

Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML

#19991299
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29472) - you deserved it (1461)

On 07/29/2012 at 7:34pm - health - by sy123 (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I decided I need to get a life. I reached this epiphany when I failed to take notice of my friend calling me, until he started calling out my Xbox gamertag. FML

#19991008
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6504) - you deserved it (20965)

On 07/29/2012 at 4:20pm - misc - by kumbuck3t15 (man) - Mexico (Baja California)

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

#19988981
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28430) - you deserved it (5206)

On 07/28/2012 at 12:02pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

#19988661
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20313) - you deserved it (2051)

On 07/28/2012 at 4:07am - misc - by em from Cali - United States (California)

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

#19986926
205 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22586) - you deserved it (2161)

On 07/27/2012 at 5:25am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

#19986519
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27440) - you deserved it (2361)

On 07/27/2012 at 12:46am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

#19986009
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22136) - you deserved it (2010)

On 07/26/2012 at 8:46pm - misc - by Carrie G. (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

Today, my mom once again commented on how I need to work out. It has come to the point that I now walk around in exercise clothes and have a bottle of water/fake sweat to put on, just so she thinks I work out. This is how lazy I am. FML

#19985136
207 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5579) - you deserved it (39458)

On 07/26/2012 at 10:48am - health - by maddiebauer - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

#19984969
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24955) - you deserved it (2208)

On 07/26/2012 at 6:42am - misc - by Anonymous - Australia



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