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  • Number of visits : 1968
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howdoiusername's favorite FMLs

Today, my friends and I planned to go to a waterpark together. However, due to a "miscommunication," I, and only I, was given both the wrong time and the wrong meeting place. I spent three hours sitting in a parking lot in little more than my swimming suit. FML

#20004339
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21514) - you deserved it (2425)

On 08/05/2012 at 6:05pm - misc - by crissy becks - United States (California)

Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML

#20003981
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35208) - you deserved it (2561)

On 08/05/2012 at 1:45pm - intimacy - by lils (woman) - United States

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

#20003540
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24103) - you deserved it (1888)

On 08/05/2012 at 3:49am - kids - by daughter (woman) - United States (Hawaii)

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

#20003323
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27376) - you deserved it (5834)

On 08/05/2012 at 1:33am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

#20002664
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21492) - you deserved it (6363)

On 08/04/2012 at 7:04pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

#20001108
270 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28159) - you deserved it (4219)

On 08/03/2012 at 9:52pm - kids - by pimpslaprequired (man) - United States

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

#19999925
207 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28500) - you deserved it (2223)

On 08/03/2012 at 4:21am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML

#19999762
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29066) - you deserved it (2549)

On 08/03/2012 at 2:22am - misc - by SingleAgain (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

#19998761
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24960) - you deserved it (2688)

On 08/02/2012 at 5:08pm - misc - by danonno (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

#19998217
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26670) - you deserved it (2494)

On 08/02/2012 at 10:12am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

#19997829
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12888) - you deserved it (29666)

On 08/02/2012 at 2:50am - work - by Unwanted - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

#19997167
222 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20688) - you deserved it (2794)

On 08/01/2012 at 8:56pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire)

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

#19996782
307 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27727) - you deserved it (31327)

On 08/01/2012 at 4:59pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Bedfordshire)

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

#19996058
200 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33629) - you deserved it (5894)

On 08/01/2012 at 5:02am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

#19995628
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56288) - you deserved it (10325)

On 08/01/2012 at 12:17am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada



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