howdoiusername

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howdoiusername

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  • Number of visits : 4298
  • Number of comments : 1
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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50 favourites

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howdoiusername's favorite FMLs

Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML

by sadphonegirl / 06/16/2012 at 9:44am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

by NotGay / 06/16/2012 at 1:45am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

by Cassidy Bowen / 06/16/2012 at 1:42am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

by Anonymous / 06/15/2012 at 8:00pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

by anonymous / 06/14/2012 at 10:54am / China (Jiangsu) / Health

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

by ww2freak / 06/13/2012 at 9:17pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

by Rosie / 06/13/2012 at 12:07pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Intimacy

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

by ouch / 06/13/2012 at 12:00pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2012 at 8:42am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

by ILoveAnimals / 06/11/2012 at 3:14am / Austria (Wien) / Animals

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2012 at 2:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

by UnluckyGroom / 06/09/2012 at 7:04pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

by k / 06/09/2012 at 5:35pm / United Kingdom (Telford and Wrekin) / Transportation

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

by cock sauce / 06/09/2012 at 5:15pm / Switzerland (Luzern) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML

by WTF / 06/09/2012 at 9:54am / Australia (South Australia) / Health