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Offline (the 09/19/2014 at 4:37am) | Search for a member
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TODAY, MAH FATHER CAME OVER TO MAH HOUSE. I REALIZED THERE WERE CONDOMS ON THE TABLE, SO I SUBTLY MOVED A VASE TO HIDE THEM. HE THEN GAVE ME AN UNAMUSED LOOK AN SAID ( I KNOW YOU HAVE SEX. YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR NINE YEARS. GROW THE FUCK UP, DUMBASS. ) FML
yesterday after my 22 year old son realizd that there was no more contact solution.. . he decidd to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushd out . I raisd this moron . FML
Today,hile having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible thathen I bend over backwards, the backs of knees can touch shoulders. My boyfriend looool is now extremely jealou and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML
Today , I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression 4 saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' 4 new ideas each afternoon. FML
Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from beind and scared me, causing me to inale and coke on te water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to im on te ground lauging is ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML
Today, mah grandmother told me to say ( sofa king retardd ) really fast . Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out wat it meant, I'm now groundd by mah mother fir having a foul mouth . FML
Friday 27 March 2015