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heyitsgreg

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heyitsgreg
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  • Number of visits : 420
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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heyitsgreg's favorite FMLs

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

#17589386
670 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25863) - you deserved it (37484)

On 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm - kids - by f*ckingdisgusted - United States

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

#17457165
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14779) - you deserved it (23416)

On 08/13/2011 at 2:51am - kids - by brittbrat4 - United States (Florida)

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

#17421184
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35020) - you deserved it (7810)

On 08/09/2011 at 6:55pm - animals - by Zoe Avila - United States

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

#16677911
340 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62690) - you deserved it (10960)

On 06/15/2011 at 2:00pm - love - by anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

#16575897
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31135) - you deserved it (6645)

On 06/09/2011 at 9:22am - health - by IPityTheStool (woman) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

#15935332
357 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37508) - you deserved it (11791)

On 04/26/2011 at 3:20pm - kids - by nomorexbox - United States (Georgia)

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

#15328400
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30997) - you deserved it (4452)

On 03/15/2011 at 10:05pm - kids - by anonymous -

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

#14835077
271 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67080) - you deserved it (6316)

On 02/04/2011 at 12:42am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road. My car started to make a funny noise and smell, so I pulled over to check it, thinking I blew the tire on some antlers. The deer got stuck in my front wheel, and I'd dragged it more than a mile. And it wasn't actually dead. FML

#14658044
299 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17501) - you deserved it (39225)

On 01/21/2011 at 1:38am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

#14497966
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23928) - you deserved it (11375)

On 01/07/2011 at 3:21pm - intimacy - by anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

#14333152
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35240) - you deserved it (7057)

On 12/25/2010 at 8:38am - intimacy - by Jessie - United States (Texas)

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

#14187537
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (94191) - you deserved it (5040)

On 12/13/2010 at 4:16am - health - by Christopher - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

#13717829
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20195) - you deserved it (5844)

On 11/04/2010 at 7:28pm - misc - by Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML

#13403987
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24325) - you deserved it (8264)

On 10/11/2010 at 6:50am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML

#13261613
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41460) - you deserved it (4500)

On 09/30/2010 at 9:25am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)



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