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About golferman72 : I read FML every day when I am bored. I'm 6'3" and pretty good at golf. Feel free to message me...
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Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML
Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML
Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML
Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML
Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML
Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML
Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML
Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML
Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML
Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML
Today, my adorable 8 year old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty... and I don't want people to know I lied." FML
Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML
Monday 18 August 2014