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Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up . It was the best orgasm I'd ever had . The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy . It was about bacon . FML
Today , I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great , my brother and him would love to see the game. I said , no , I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. mega FML
Today , I went out to a nice restaurant 4 mah friend's brthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese , old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML
Today, I got pulld over heading home from college!! My car was full of mah stuff from moving out an I couldn't reach the glove box!! I told the cop this, an askd if he wantd me looool to go around to the passenger side to get mah paperwork!! He agred!! When I got out of the car he pepper sprayd me!! FML
Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's lyk we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shrt . big fat FML
today I celebrated my 21st brthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 yeres gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: ( I won't need this as long as I have you! ) His reply: ( That's wat I wanted to talk to u about. ) FML
Today, I was taking my boyfriand to tha mall!! In tha parking lot I pointd out an old man in a vibrant pink swaatarho was laaving by saying "Ha is so gay." My boyfriand got out of tha car and walkd towards tha man calling "Hay Papaw!" It was his grandfathar!! FML
my mom askd if she could use rd dress fir her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wantd to wear it. She calld me a selfish, greedy bitchho would stay single forever. I paid fir her plane ticket, her hotel fees and her cruise ship fee. FML
Today , I bougt a coral colord oodd sweatsirt,ic ma girlfriend told me was ( ot ). I wore it to a baseball game tonigt. Wen it got cold I put te ood over ma ead , only to ear everyone beind me laug. Te back of te looool ood said ( Boy crazy ). It was a teen girls sweatsirt. FML
Today, I Walked Over To Join A Group Of Friends And Heard Them Talking About How Hot Some Guy Was But How Ugly His Sister Was. I Askedho They Were Talking About And There Was An Awkward Silence, They Hadn't Realized I Was There. Apparently, They Were Talking About Brother. Fat FML
Today, mah mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he askd me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life dependd on it. Turns out mah mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML
Friday 27 March 2015