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Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (88696) - you totally deserved it (19182)
On 05/17/2009 at 8:33am - intimacy - by wtfdreams (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying 'I'm good' or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML
I agree, your life sucks (39342) - you totally deserved it (14108)
On 05/16/2009 at 5:13am - misc - by UncleRory (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They proceeded to have sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23819) - you totally deserved it (2203)
On 05/15/2009 at 2:49pm - intimacy - by dammitall (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML
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On 05/14/2009 at 3:23am - misc - by Flicker (man) - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, I did my laundry in my dorm. After dragging 2 hampers down 4 flights of stairs, my ID card with money on it was rejected. After dragging it back upstairs, I scrounged up enough quarters from friends. 30 minutes after finally starting my laundry, I realized I forgot to add detergent. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16703) - you totally deserved it (31148)
On 05/01/2009 at 5:15pm - health - by CollegeGirl (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML
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On 05/01/2009 at 5:07pm - health - by jlover42 (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16126) - you totally deserved it (61146)
On 04/30/2009 at 1:41pm - misc - by kas (woman) - United States (Indiana)
Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML
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On 04/28/2009 at 6:13pm - money - by Sad (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)
Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14739) - you totally deserved it (64545)
On 04/09/2009 at 2:03am - work - by tool (man) - United States (Nevada)
Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML
I agree, your life sucks (50468) - you totally deserved it (5191)
On 04/08/2009 at 11:43pm - misc - by BadBreath (woman) - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
I agree, your life sucks (28476) - you totally deserved it (88122)
On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
I agree, your life sucks (158732) - you totally deserved it (10772)
On 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm - intimacy - by creepermagnet (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I work at a Subway Sandwich store right next to a big hospital. There was a big line of people all getting their subs toasted. Without turning around, I ask the next person in line "I bet you want yours extra toasted?" She was a burns victim from the hospital. FML
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On 04/05/2009 at 9:48am - work - by 00Evan (man) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML
I agree, your life sucks (53777) - you totally deserved it (2633)
On 04/05/2009 at 9:32am - health - by manlyman (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 5:43am - money - by rovery (man) - United States (California)
