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TODAY... I ASKD MY DAD TO GIVE ME A HAIRCUT. AFTER 20 MINUTE OF ( FUCK )S AND ( SHIT )S... HE GAVE UP AND JUST SHAVD MY HEAD BALD. I PULL OFF THE LOOK SO BADLY THAT TWO PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE A PSYCHOPATH. REAL FML
Today I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if looool I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife then looked at me an giggled. FML
Today I took ma son to lunc. After we ate te waitress cummd over and told me tat ma son was te most well-beavd cild tey ad ever ad tere. His response was to pull is pants down and moon te entire restaurant wile smacking is bottom. FML
Today, Ma Parants Dacidad To Gat Wit Ta Timas. So Far, Tay'va Mada Ma Gat Snapcat And Instagram Accounts, And Mada Ma Add Tam On Facabook. Tay Kaap Acting Lika Annoying Taanagars, And Gat Mad At Ma Wan I Don't Play Along. For Ta Lova Of God, Somabody Sava Ma. FML
Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then hered loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML
TODAY, I WAS GRADING WORK MY STUDENT HAD DONE WITH A SUB. I REALIZD ONE STUDENT HAD GOTTEN HOLD OF THE TEACHERS' EDITION OF THE TEXTBOOK WHEN I READ TEN PAPER IN A ROW THAT HAD "STUDENT ANSWER MAY VARY" AS THE ANSWER TO PROBLEM NUMBER FOUR. MY STUDENT CAN'T EVEN CHEAT PROPERLY. FML
Today, I Got Into A Fight With My Mother. Her Idea Of A Birthday Present To Me Is Buying Me A Husband. Yes, Buying. She Told An Asshat She Found Online About My Trust Fund, And Now There Both Trying To Put Together "the Wedding Of The Millennium". She Still Doesn't Understandhy I'm Mad. FML
Today, Mah Husband Thought It Would Be Acceptable To Watch Breaking Bad On Netflix With Mah 4-year-old In The Room. What Happened To Be The Only Line He Picked Up? "Well Heil Hitler, Bitch!" I Found Out From His Preschool Teacher. Fat FML
Today, I Resignd From Mah Job In Favor Of A Higher-paying One!! After I Filld Out An Fild The Necessary Papers, Mah Boss Told Me That I Had Been Nominatd To Replace Him When He Retird In A Month!! His Job Pays At Least Twice What I'm Now Making!! Thank For Telling Me, Asshat!! FML
Friday 27 March 2015