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foodmylife

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  • Number of visits : 581
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foodmylife's favorite FMLs

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

#3949208
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37341) - you deserved it (10271)

On 07/22/2009 at 4:16am - work - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

#3932433
362 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55289) - you deserved it (28171)

On 07/21/2009 at 3:45pm - intimacy - by uh-oh (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

#3792104
267 comments

I agree, your life sucks (92923) - you deserved it (4796)

On 07/16/2009 at 1:51am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

#3215628
194 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61792) - you deserved it (9662)

On 06/25/2009 at 9:00pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

#2772494
819 comments

I agree, your life sucks (119896) - you deserved it (74074)

On 06/10/2009 at 2:09pm - intimacy - by badmom (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

#2767851
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21507) - you deserved it (56395)

On 06/10/2009 at 9:51am - intimacy - by sluttydancer (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

#2734034
460 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51771) - you deserved it (65185)

On 06/09/2009 at 1:27am - intimacy - by lagirl (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

#1415688
202 comments

I agree, your life sucks (210181) - you deserved it (11243)

On 04/28/2009 at 2:27am - intimacy - by liveforpeace_ (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

#1046980
216 comments

I agree, your life sucks (90871) - you deserved it (7400)

On 04/17/2009 at 1:43am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML

#981592
244 comments

I agree, your life sucks (95273) - you deserved it (38982)

On 04/14/2009 at 11:27pm - intimacy - by jizzlemonster13 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

#560138
284 comments

I agree, your life sucks (97919) - you deserved it (30286)

On 03/23/2009 at 7:12pm - intimacy - by SLA (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

#1678
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27284) - you deserved it (11281)

On 01/18/2009 at 10:20pm - intimacy - by gjh - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

#1678
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27284) - you deserved it (11281)

On 01/18/2009 at 10:20pm - intimacy - by gjh - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

#1440
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28508) - you deserved it (8328)

On 01/17/2009 at 9:25am - intimacy - by Perpetually F-ed. - United States (Massachusetts)



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