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Offline (the 08/23/2014 at 5:01am) | Search for a member
About fml0505 : I'm a very interesting person. In fact, I'm so interesting that the short space FML provides for a bio is insulting. How dare you FML, how dare you. You should be honored that a person of my stature graces you with the presence I behold. I deserve, at the very least, a page dedicated to the words that gracefully fall from my mouth. I work at a factory, alright, and I'm the best damn box packager in the world. Clocked in at 8.4 seconds today, taped, labeled, and put on a pallet. No big deal. I drink malt liquor like it's champagne. I watched the entire Breaking Bad series in one sitting. Need I go further with my meritorious accomplishments? People bow down to this walking God like creature of success. I expect that you will accommodate me after seeing but a glimpse of my admirable, riveting biography. Good day.
Direct all fan mail to the person on the left.
You’ve now voted that they totally deserved it more than 100 times.
Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!
I never take things to heart
Having said that, my 3 comments on that FML were really worth it.
Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML
Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Today, I was trying to sleep away a fever, when my grandma woke me up. She was sitting next to me, shoving gummy bears into my mouth until I started choking. She laughed, ran away, and denied everything. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out and threatened to send me to a Bible camp, after catching me admiring a photo of a bikini model, which is apparently "immoral behavior." This is the same woman who cheated on my dad twice, justifying it by claiming the devil tempted her. FML
Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML
Friday 29 August 2014