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emmama19's favorite FMLs
Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML
by Spockx / 08/06/2012 at 7:20am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous
by Lara / 08/03/2012 at 7:28am / Italy (Toscana) / Miscellaneous
Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/03/2012 at 4:21am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML
by danonno / 08/02/2012 at 5:08pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML
by Anonymous / 08/02/2012 at 10:12am / United States (Arizona) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML
by opinaise / 08/02/2012 at 9:00am / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Love
by joleezad5 / 07/31/2012 at 10:49pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
by mcase / 07/31/2012 at 1:36am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML
by guy / 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by anonymous / 07/29/2012 at 9:34am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML
by Anonymous / 07/29/2012 at 12:25am / Denmark (Sjelland) / Love
Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML
by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 3:26pm / United Kingdom (Midlothian) / Miscellaneous
Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML
by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 3:04pm / Norway (Ostfold) / Kids
Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML
by justlittleoldme / 07/25/2012 at 5:05pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
by Anonymous / 07/25/2012 at 6:54am / United States (California) / Kids
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't…