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djwilson50's favorite FMLs
Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML
by -___- / 09/14/2012 at 7:06pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Kids
Today, I was sitting in on a boring presentation at work. I yawned and shifted in my chair, accidentally sitting on my testicles. I shrieked in pain and spent the next five minutes choking back tears, while my boss told me to shut my mouth and stop fucking around. FML
by kevcng / 09/10/2012 at 5:20pm / United States / Work
by authorsubmit / 05/04/2012 at 8:49am / United States / Health
Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML
by woohoo420 / 04/04/2012 at 12:14pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML
by Alyssa / 02/12/2012 at 7:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/19/2011 at 3:31pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML
by Sedici / 12/18/2011 at 2:44am / United States / Transportation
by brownunderwear / 12/13/2011 at 10:45pm / United States (Washington) / Health
by photomark / 12/13/2011 at 1:32am / United States / Health
by tishihish / 12/12/2011 at 12:15am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Vince / 12/09/2011 at 2:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
by Aly / 12/09/2011 at 10:40am / United States / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/17/2011 at 9:06am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
by halloweed / 11/16/2011 at 12:27am / United States (California) / Intimacy
- Today, I’m in China for work. All my work is stored in my Google Drive, directly via the internet.… Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he… Today, I’m on vacation in Peru in the Amazonian forest. I woke up in the middle of the night to the…