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djcaper's favorite FMLs
Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML
by copshop / 11/10/2011 at 6:40am / United States (California) / Work
Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML
by kdeeeceee / 11/05/2011 at 3:25am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/03/2011 at 3:29am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
by Brony / 10/22/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Work
Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML
by tommyboy783 / 10/19/2011 at 9:38pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
by Anonymous / 10/18/2011 at 2:55am / United States (Missouri) / Animals
by Ca13b / 10/15/2011 at 3:18am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
by MLGreco / 10/14/2011 at 12:11pm / United States / Kids
Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML
by cduran2011 / 10/14/2011 at 11:23am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by Username / 10/09/2011 at 11:30pm / United States (Texas) / Work
by Anonymous / 10/08/2011 at 12:00pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML
by ...... / 10/07/2011 at 10:40pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML
by djfail / 09/01/2011 at 1:56pm / United States (Hawaii) / Intimacy
Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML
by Anonymous / 08/25/2011 at 5:17pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML
by shitless88 / 08/19/2011 at 8:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous