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Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28932) - you deserved it (54647)
On 06/25/2009 at 7:44pm - intimacy - by UrbanCass (man) - United States (Kentucky)
Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14651) - you deserved it (43654)
On 06/20/2009 at 12:06pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10504) - you deserved it (70122)
On 06/20/2009 at 7:13am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Switzerland (Bern)
Today, I was at a 21st birthday party. It got to the bit where they blow out the candles and the girl hosting blew out her candles. While she was blowing I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she'll be blowing tonight". The guy next to me was her dad. FML
I agree, your life sucks (11280) - you deserved it (65405)
On 06/08/2009 at 6:39am - intimacy - by baller (man) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, my boyfriend went to the aquarium. We were noticing the fishy smell, and I had made a comment about it. Then my boyfriend slowly, and seductively whispers into my ear, "It sort of reminds me of how you smell." FML
I agree, your life sucks (48735) - you deserved it (9040)
On 06/06/2009 at 1:38pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States
Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (49684) - you deserved it (3834)
On 06/05/2009 at 4:54pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Denmark (Staden Kobenhavn)
Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML
I agree, your life sucks (54043) - you deserved it (4263)
On 06/02/2009 at 3:10pm - misc - by Higgs (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)
Today, I went to a bar with some buddies, and after trying to pick up a few girls, one of my friends got a number. When I heard the number I said 'Sorry man, that's definitely the rejection hotline number'. So many girls have given me that number, I memorized it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45550) - you deserved it (4612)
On 06/02/2009 at 1:41am - love - by toobad (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24595) - you deserved it (48788)
On 06/01/2009 at 9:53pm - health - by dearme (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML
I agree, your life sucks (61612) - you deserved it (8705)
On 05/31/2009 at 5:10pm - intimacy - by fmeplease (woman) - United Kingdom (Kent)
Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML
I agree, your life sucks (54645) - you deserved it (7346)
On 05/31/2009 at 1:38pm - misc - by Heather (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18271) - you deserved it (58268)
On 05/31/2009 at 8:03am - misc - by deucelututi - United States (New York)
Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29394) - you deserved it (11778)
On 05/31/2009 at 5:43am - misc - by sierra808 (woman) - United States (Hawaii)
Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML
I agree, your life sucks (62181) - you deserved it (3889)
On 05/30/2009 at 2:52am - intimacy - by nevergoingonabusagain (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML
I agree, your life sucks (57425) - you deserved it (4409)
On 05/28/2009 at 4:15pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Manitoba)
Monday 20 May 2013
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