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diaspora's favorite FMLs
by anon / 01/19/2015 at 12:35am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by SilverZephyr / 01/16/2015 at 7:49am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
by imsorry / 01/14/2015 at 6:57pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 01/14/2015 at 8:58am / United States (Colorado) / Love
Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML
by Anonymous / 01/13/2015 at 8:50pm / United States (Delaware) / Animals
Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML
by can't win / 01/13/2015 at 11:25am / Australia / Love
by Goth_Hawk / 01/13/2015 at 3:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML
by con135 / 01/12/2015 at 8:16pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML
by fukinlonely / 01/12/2015 at 7:53am / United Kingdom / Love
by nick / 01/12/2015 at 3:23am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Work
Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML
by SadSister:( / 01/10/2015 at 7:15pm / United States / Kids
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
by Anonymous / 01/10/2015 at 3:00pm / United States (Vermont) / Love
Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML
by ashamed / 12/13/2014 at 9:02pm / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML
by driven_crazy / 12/12/2014 at 2:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work
Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML
by jennabee97 / 11/08/2014 at 6:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
- Today, I was complaining to a coworker about how my manager had changed my schedule without telling… Today, While at a resort, my friends and I decided to go to the indoor pool. I was surprised when I… Today, while on a ride at a water park, someone stole my thongs. The ground is hot enough to burn…