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Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML
I agree, your life sucks (9592) - you deserved it (14097)
On 04/04/2012 at 9:41pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Georgia)
Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML
I agree, your life sucks (5222) - you deserved it (16765)
On 04/03/2012 at 12:37pm - health - by spougeineye1 - United States (Washington)
Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19475) - you deserved it (1830)
On 03/26/2012 at 5:11am - intimacy - by pmek - Australia (Victoria)
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
I agree, your life sucks (178) - you deserved it (2752)
On 02/27/2012 at 10:55am - health - by awhmaaan - United Kingdom
Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." My whole house now smells like pee. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20024) - you deserved it (1668)
On 02/15/2012 at 12:05am - misc - by Bondi414 (woman) - United States (Colorado)
Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17930) - you deserved it (1915)
On 02/04/2012 at 7:35pm - misc - by wetdreams - Canada (Alberta)
Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML
I agree, your life sucks (11685) - you deserved it (14937)
On 02/03/2012 at 12:25am - misc - by coleslaw (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML
I agree, your life sucks (31351) - you deserved it (2027)
On 01/28/2012 at 7:46pm - misc - by Come on - United States
Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23898) - you deserved it (1796)
On 01/23/2012 at 7:10pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States
Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML
I agree, your life sucks (11341) - you deserved it (31844)
On 12/05/2011 at 12:41am - money - by Christina - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24240) - you deserved it (16864)
On 11/09/2011 at 4:52pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States
Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24312) - you deserved it (5155)
On 10/22/2011 at 10:06pm - kids - by me - United States (Maine)
Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17541) - you deserved it (12011) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!
Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML
I agree, your life sucks (28766) - you deserved it (18178)
On 10/10/2011 at 6:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25448) - you deserved it (3936)
On 09/14/2011 at 7:06am - misc - by funnymanjoe - United States (Illinois)
Monday 17 June 2013
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