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Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed and I asked him why he was with me. His answer was, "Well, the last girl I dated was really smart and she always made me feel dumb, so I decided to switch things up a bit. You make me feel like a genius babe." FML
Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML
Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML
Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML
Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML
Friday 18 April 2014