About criminalmind : I'm either on FML, playing Fallout: New Vegas or watching porn
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criminalmind's favorite FMLs
Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML
by ilovedirt / 07/09/2011 at 11:12pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Health
by anon / 07/09/2011 at 12:48am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids
Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML
by Anonymous / 07/07/2011 at 6:52pm / United Kingdom / Transportation
by Unknown / 07/07/2011 at 11:12am / United States (Missouri) / Holidays
by Snurkles / 07/07/2011 at 8:19am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by shit / 07/07/2011 at 3:43am / United States / Kids
Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML
by devilboy / 07/06/2011 at 7:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
by IAmACoolCat / 07/05/2011 at 12:41pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML
by Jessie / 07/05/2011 at 12:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy
Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML
by omfgfmlife / 07/05/2011 at 10:32am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by chawlay / 07/05/2011 at 10:04am / United States (New York) / Work
by oopsies / 07/04/2011 at 5:11am / United States / Animals
by drunkinriot / 07/03/2011 at 7:04pm / United States / Health
Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML
by Hum / 07/02/2011 at 5:50pm / Switzerland (Ticino) / Intimacy
Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML
by Anonymous / 06/08/2011 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Money
- 1Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice… 2Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML 3Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on…