Rofl... my life is only slightly better :)
Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML
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On 05/03/2009 at 12:12am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML
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On 03/28/2009 at 11:34pm - love - by Betsydoll (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML
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On 03/28/2009 at 4:17pm - misc - by Michaelichael (man) - United States (Arizona)
Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML
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On 03/27/2009 at 10:47am - work - by mjohnston (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, as a veteran blood donor, I made a friend who was donating for the first time- I told her not to be scared and that I've been doing it for six years and that it was a great way to help people. While at the snack area afterwards, I passed out, started convulsing and went into shock. FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 8:43am - health - by bridalqueen (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 6:41am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 7:12pm - intimacy - by SLA (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 8:08am - work - by McFired (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (205433) - you totally deserved it (9167)
Today, I met a cute guy for coffee. Everything was going fine, right up until he started telling me about his alien encounters and super psychic powers. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 3:36am - misc - by Ltl_Dust_Bunny (woman) - United States (Alaska)
Today, I e-mailed my professor asking if I could make up an exam because my grandma passed away and I was at the funeral. She gave me a zero because I used the same 'excuse' a month ago. Now I have to produce both death certificates because my grandmas' died a month apart. FML
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On 03/22/2009 at 2:43pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML
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On 03/22/2009 at 12:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML
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On 03/22/2009 at 9:04am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Malta
Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML
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On 03/20/2009 at 1:40pm - misc - by hipprep83 - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I went to my new doctor to establish the paperwork. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, "what do you do?". I told her I normally did vaginal, but would sometimes do anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML
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On 03/16/2009 at 12:39am - intimacy - by Noname (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
