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cookiegp

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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Miss
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 137
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 6 posted

About cookiegp : I like to read funny FML's not stupid ones.

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cookiegp's favorite FMLs

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

#20787584
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56350) - you deserved it (6676)

On 07/17/2013 at 12:48am - animals - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

#20783255
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50807) - you deserved it (6467)

On 07/14/2013 at 11:40pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML

Today, it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnomes in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras, which I thought had deterred the idiot, until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnomes on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. FML

#20742609
220 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58576) - you deserved it (3812)

On 06/23/2013 at 1:02pm - misc - by ilivealoneandwhatthefuck (man) - Guam

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

#20741108
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42102) - you deserved it (6338)

On 06/22/2013 at 3:28pm - misc - by our kids will be derps (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

#20735100
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46412) - you deserved it (4714)

On 06/19/2013 at 12:12pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was planning on having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, so I asked my roomate to stay out of our apartment. About half-way through, my roomate blared "The Eye of the Tiger" from the other side of the door. My girlfriend laughed so hard that we couldn't finish. FML

#20733192
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56864) - you deserved it (7986)

On 06/18/2013 at 12:16pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

#20695159
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62310) - you deserved it (4984)

On 05/30/2013 at 12:29pm - kids - by life insurance for 1 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, our cat died. My five-year-old tried to flush him down the toilet. FML

Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML

#20627240
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50286) - you deserved it (11199)

On 04/28/2013 at 9:57am - misc - by Anonymous - China (Shanghai)

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

#20623837
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40115) - you deserved it (5655)

On 04/26/2013 at 8:21pm - kids - by Shitty genes, no two ways about it. (man) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

#20612550
270 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32687) - you deserved it (111782)

On 04/22/2013 at 3:19am - misc - by Anon - Singapore

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

#20605608
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54683) - you deserved it (6843)

On 04/19/2013 at 6:04pm - kids - by reyoflight (man) - Brazil (Rio de Janeiro)

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

#20562846
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (79744) - you deserved it (8239)

On 03/27/2013 at 7:55pm - intimacy - by anonymous - United States (Hawaii)

Today, my grandson visited me, and asked if I had any pictures of myself from when I was a little girl. I happily looked for a few photos to give him, asking what had piqued his curiosity. He replied that he wanted some for a presentation he's doing on the Middle Ages. FML

#20555821
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32196) - you deserved it (2695) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 03/22/2013 at 9:19pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - France (Lorraine)



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