About clareobryan : I like cats and Ostin.
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This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
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You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Keen reader – Level: student ninja
You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
clareobryan's favorite FMLs
by tothebaneofkings / 04/23/2014 at 12:20am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML
by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 4:01pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 8:31pm / United States / Love
Today, I was in a market in France, and went to ask the seller for some potatoes. I speak fluent French, but I got flustered and instead of saying "pomme de terre", which is the French for potato, I said "pomme de merde". I literally asked for an "apple of shit". FML
by Kaddiscott / 01/20/2014 at 5:12am / Italy (Trentino-Alto Adige) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML
by Anonymous / 01/05/2014 at 12:30am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
by Cacahuete / 12/28/2013 at 9:46am / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/27/2013 at 7:05pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Animals
Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
by Anonymous / 12/27/2013 at 5:39pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML
by fuck my eyeballs / 12/01/2013 at 6:07pm / United States (California) / Work
by Anonymous / 11/19/2013 at 10:42pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by queenxalee / 11/11/2013 at 6:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by awkward / 11/06/2013 at 4:16pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by Steiner / 11/05/2013 at 4:26pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML
by meow / 10/30/2013 at 3:03am / United States / Animals
Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML
by Anonymous / 10/18/2013 at 1:30pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey,… Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said… Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for…