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brookeo13's favorite FMLs
Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML
Today, I was mowing my lawn and it had a dry looking dog turd. I figured I'd be able to mow it easily into the grass bag as dust. Instead, it still had enough moisture to splatter into clumps. Including a couple that went up my left nostril. FML
by Furzball / 05/27/2016 at 2:19am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, I needed the toilet in the night. Walking through my pitch black house barefoot, I felt something squish beneath my heel. Thinking it was a morsel of previously dropped food, I turned on the light to clean it up. My eyes met a twitching gecko body, with a flattened, exploded head. FML
by Kakapo4Ever / 05/20/2016 at 5:01am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Animals
Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML
by Anonymous / 05/14/2016 at 6:34am / United States (Texas) / Animals
by Why / 04/24/2016 at 2:59pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by Anthony / 04/14/2016 at 7:15pm / France / Intimacy
by dudster25 / 04/10/2016 at 12:20am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
by Anonymous / 04/09/2016 at 9:12am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML
by Anonymous / 04/02/2016 at 1:48pm / United States (Oregon) / Holidays
by anonymous / 04/02/2016 at 12:11am / United States (Maryland) / Money
Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML
by Anonymous / 04/01/2016 at 4:21pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work
by Anonymous / 03/31/2016 at 9:43am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML
by Anonymous / 03/30/2016 at 1:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Health
by sorkin15 / 03/24/2016 at 5:06pm / United States (Florida) / Work