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bitchpleasemike's favorite FMLs
by hellnooo / 08/15/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML
by pear8head / 08/08/2009 at 12:31pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy
Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML
by OhFseriously123 / 08/06/2009 at 6:05am / Italy (Lombardia) / Intimacy
Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML
by Anonymous / 07/24/2009 at 5:32am / India (Haryana) / Love
Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML
by Sally / 07/24/2009 at 5:04am / United States (Indiana) / Love
Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML
by Matt / 07/13/2009 at 3:06pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML
by Anonymous / 07/07/2009 at 7:04pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML
by jadkins / 07/06/2009 at 3:33pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML
by heart-broken / 07/02/2009 at 9:33pm / Australia (Victoria) / Love
Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML
by sk8rgurl / 06/28/2009 at 7:09pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML
by Anonymous / 06/25/2009 at 7:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation
Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML
by oldtimerclark / 06/21/2009 at 5:46pm / United States (Georgia) / Health
by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 3:17am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML
by SleepyKirsty / 06/09/2009 at 9:36am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy
- Today, at 11:30 p.m., after a 5-hour train journey to get back to Paris carrying a suitcase that’s… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, straight after we had sex, my boyfriend went to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a long…