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bitchpleasemike's favorite FMLs
by hellnooo / 08/15/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML
by pear8head / 08/08/2009 at 12:31pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy
Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML
by OhFseriously123 / 08/06/2009 at 6:05am / Italy (Lombardia) / Intimacy
Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML
by Anonymous / 07/24/2009 at 5:32am / India (Haryana) / Love
Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML
by Sally / 07/24/2009 at 5:04am / United States (Indiana) / Love
Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML
by Matt / 07/13/2009 at 3:06pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML
by Anonymous / 07/07/2009 at 7:04pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML
by jadkins / 07/06/2009 at 3:33pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML
by heart-broken / 07/02/2009 at 9:33pm / Australia (Victoria) / Love
Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML
by sk8rgurl / 06/28/2009 at 7:09pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML
by Anonymous / 06/25/2009 at 7:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation
Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML
by oldtimerclark / 06/21/2009 at 5:46pm / United States (Georgia) / Health
by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 3:17am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML
by SleepyKirsty / 06/09/2009 at 9:36am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy
- Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you… Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says "I love you" are after he screws up or when… Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was…