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An FML submitted on a Saturday morning between 5 and 6am can't be a good FML.
Who’s the fairest of them all?
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bitchpleasemike's favorite FMLs
by anon / 06/10/2012 at 5:14pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Love
Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML
by Rohirus / 06/07/2012 at 7:09pm / Sweden / Miscellaneous
by ironyisabitch / 06/02/2012 at 1:43am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the hospital for stomach pains, and was told that it sounds like I have an ovarian cyst. My mom went into a rage, screaming that I'd lied to her about being a virgin. Despite the doctor explaining that sexual activity has nothing to do with it, she refuses to believe him. FML
by Briscuit / 06/01/2012 at 5:05pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health
Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML
by The Bearded Woman / 05/29/2012 at 12:06am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids
Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML
by namenlos / 05/27/2012 at 5:53pm / Australia / Miscellaneous
Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML
by sick and awkward / 05/20/2012 at 2:11am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 05/16/2012 at 1:02pm / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML
by singleagain / 05/14/2012 at 9:09pm / United States / Love
Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML
by lafinesse / 05/14/2012 at 6:23pm / Miscellaneous
by anonymous / 05/14/2012 at 6:31am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
by lspicknall / 05/12/2012 at 2:41am / United States (Wisconsin) / Health
by rawr_fml001 / 05/11/2012 at 7:50pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML
by 504-A1 / 05/11/2012 at 6:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
by mhm / 05/05/2012 at 10:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation
- Today, I was running late to work and noticed that my car keys weren't in the right spot. I quickly… Today, someone left a can of scentless bugspray next to the stove, I greased a cake pan with it and… Today I came out to my family as a lesbian. A few days ago, my brother came out as bisexual and my…