"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility."
--Khalil Gibran
Today, I wore the new bathing suit my boyfriend got me for my birthday to a family reunion pool party. Turns out, it was a gag gift that dissolves after 3 minutes in water. FML
I agree, your life sucks (47997) - you totally deserved it (3621)
On 08/15/2009 at 3:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML
I agree, your life sucks (108885) - you totally deserved it (8823)
On 05/23/2009 at 12:44am - intimacy - by honeymoondisaster (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML
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On 05/22/2009 at 4:08pm - misc - by tootles (man) - United States (California)
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
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On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - kids - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML
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On 05/08/2009 at 3:39pm - misc - by Oblivious (woman) - Kuwait
Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML
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On 05/04/2009 at 4:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, my shower is being renovated so I decided to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal on accident. FML
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On 04/21/2009 at 8:12pm - kids - by hairball (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML
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On 04/17/2009 at 10:14am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML
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On 04/12/2009 at 6:51am - misc - by chococool223 (woman) - Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi)
Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?". My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?". Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (47399) - you totally deserved it (1203)
On 04/10/2009 at 12:53pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friends apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML
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On 04/01/2009 at 4:06pm - health - by nic (woman) - United States (Virginia)
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
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On 03/26/2009 at 7:41am - intimacy - by JAY22 (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 9:20pm - work - by mrWrong (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
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On 03/22/2009 at 6:38am - intimacy - by konens_dick (man) - United States (Washington)
Today, my child says "Mommy. Sometimes my peepee goes up like a stick." I say "Well, honey, that's normal and ok." Then I ask when it does that. And he says "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes..." FML
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On 03/20/2009 at 12:15am - kids - by ScoobieDoo (woman) - United States (Washington)
