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alibear7's favorite FMLs
by Obi1Shinobi / 10/30/2012 at 10:27am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML
by tempted to become single / 10/21/2012 at 12:00pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML
by Failed Parent / 10/11/2012 at 2:59am / United States / Kids
Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML
by SoSexy / 10/07/2012 at 6:25am / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 10/03/2012 at 12:29pm / United States (California) / Animals
Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML
by IcantDance! / 10/01/2012 at 12:05pm / United States (Alabama) / Love
Today, I walked in to my apartment to see my husband sitting there with his toes painted pink. When I asked him why, he said, "I wanted to feel pretty." This is the man who is about to be the father of my child. FML
by cmc9540 / 09/26/2012 at 10:14pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
by Anonymous / 09/12/2012 at 3:00am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by apparently inexperienced / 09/11/2012 at 12:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
by noname1025 / 09/04/2012 at 12:44pm / United States (Colorado) / Love
Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML
by hooligyn123 / 09/04/2012 at 4:53am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML
by ImOverHere / 09/02/2012 at 12:56pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML
by Anonymous / 08/26/2012 at 1:46am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 08/25/2012 at 8:47am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML
by yoggabe / 08/18/2012 at 4:34pm / Mexico (Tabasco) / Kids
- Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working… Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of… Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend…