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alelcu

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alelcu

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  • Number of visits : 95
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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alelcu's page activity

Visits<b>Welshite</b> - the 10/06/2014 at 4:25pm<b>Faithilicious123</b> - the 07/16/2014 at 8:49pm

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alelcu's favorite FMLs

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML

Today, my five year old sister won't stop saying, "shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML

#21303585
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25828) - you deserved it (2650)

On 11/21/2014 at 10:29pm - kids - by angkal2002 - Australia

Today, I slept over at my new boyfriend's house for the first time. When I woke up in the morning, he told me all about how much gas I'd had through the night. He said he thought he had a grown man in his bed instead of me. FML

Today, my boyfriend told my four-year-old sister that "fatass" means "beautiful lady." I didn't know about this until I took my sister shopping with me. The woman at the till said she was adorable; my sister replied, "Thanks, fatass." FML

#21288917
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31301) - you deserved it (2616)

On 10/31/2014 at 6:55am - kids - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff)

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

#21282836
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32267) - you deserved it (3369)

On 10/21/2014 at 11:18pm - work - by Australian Lifeguard - United States (Arizona)

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

#21279866
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39361) - you deserved it (5534)

On 10/17/2014 at 2:29pm - intimacy - by gettinghotinhere - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

#21279390
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37899) - you deserved it (5930)

On 10/16/2014 at 9:27pm - love - by highfive - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

#21278356
316 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26569) - you deserved it (53127)

On 10/15/2014 at 1:07pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Alabama)

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

#21258033
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31731) - you deserved it (18250)

On 09/14/2014 at 12:38pm - animals - by Anonymous - Ghana (Greater Accra)

Today, I complimented a guy on his beard. His response? "Thanks. Wanna sit on it?" FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

#21250887
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45336) - you deserved it (5923)

On 09/02/2014 at 11:18pm - love - by very punny (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

#21248352
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41012) - you deserved it (9507)

On 08/30/2014 at 7:56am - animals - by cat lady (woman) - Norway (Rogaland)

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

#21242424
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38722) - you deserved it (7177)

On 08/21/2014 at 12:36pm - misc - by royallymessedup -

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

#21235845
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43315) - you deserved it (27637)

On 08/12/2014 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by not a dick-man (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it, I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was, "I can't wait until it resembles a human being." FML



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