I have never used the phrase "G'Day mate. Having a shrimp on the barbie, are we?" in my ENTIRE life.
Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML
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On 08/14/2009 at 1:01pm - work - by dumblond (woman) - United States (Maine)
Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML
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On 08/14/2009 at 12:35am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Victoria)
Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML
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On 08/13/2009 at 3:47pm - health - by Nick (man) - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML
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On 08/11/2009 at 11:07pm - kids - by ahhahaha (man) - United States (New Mexico)
Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML
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On 07/09/2009 at 12:27pm - misc - by Anonymous - France (Midi-Pyrenees)
Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML
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On 07/07/2009 at 2:33pm - misc - by stupid (woman) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I hit a horrible tee shot from the 18th hole. I decided to use my driver to take my frustration out on a nearby bush. The bees who lived in that bush decided to use their stingers to take out their frustration up inside my golf shorts. FML
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On 07/07/2009 at 2:19pm - misc - by Jon (man) - United States
Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML
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On 07/04/2009 at 4:58am - intimacy - by R_U_CEREAL (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML
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On 07/04/2009 at 2:07am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML
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On 06/26/2009 at 2:13am - misc - by Jeweler (man) - United States (California)
Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML
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On 06/07/2009 at 3:21pm - kids - by Ignatius (man) - United States (California)
Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML
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On 05/23/2009 at 12:15pm - misc - by Tootsy_Roll_Pop (man) - United States
Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by systeminitiated (man) - Canada
Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML
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On 04/19/2009 at 5:52pm - work - by Crunchy (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
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On 04/08/2009 at 10:14pm - intimacy - by hammylove (man) - United States (Florida)
