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2day I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap . I pulld into my driveway an made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes . I endd up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree . FML
Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML
Today , at the gym , some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill 4 not going fast enough , and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing , cuz he heard me from the other side of the room , and threatened to kill me. mega FML
yesterday a few minutes after giving brth to our fourth child, mah wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if looool u ever put me through that again I'll rip yur balls off." Everyone laughed. FML
Today,hile on a tour bus, our guide told us looool that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committd pacifist, but I was already halfway out of seat to choke the pimply-facd twat out before I managd to restrain myself. Now I'm scard of myself. FML
Today... I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it... I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was... "I can't wait until it resemble a human being." FML
Today, my husband an I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like u wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up an saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML
Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate teir marriage, we spent most of te service being lectured by te priest on ow women r a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and r te cause of all te world's problems. FML
Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML
Yesterday I Puttd On A Porno, Trying To Unwind After A Bad Day. 10 Minutes In, I Was So Pissd Off With The Girl Constantly Repeating "You Like That? Yeah?" And The Cameraman's Obsession With The Guy's Asscrack That I Startd Yelling At The Screen. Now I'm More Stressd Than Ever. Mega FML
yesterday I let coworker use PC during lunch , because his was having problems. A few hours later , boss called me into his office looool and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe explanation. For fuck's sake , Dave. FML
Friday 27 March 2015