I am, by far, the strangest person you will ever come across.
If you want to converse a bit: x3r03g@gmail.com. Stupidity will not be tolerated.
Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML
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On 09/19/2009 at 10:37am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML
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On 09/19/2009 at 1:22am - love - by Pierceew (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I visited home. My drunk mother was screaming to my drunk stepdad about a fight four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "Orgasm face." And the neighbors were dancing outside coked out and naked. FML
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On 09/19/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML
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On 09/18/2009 at 9:32pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML
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On 09/18/2009 at 10:27am - misc - by poopEVERYWHERE (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML
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On 07/25/2009 at 2:32pm - misc - by rbates - United States (Florida)
Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML
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On 07/16/2009 at 1:32am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)
Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one ripe. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML
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On 07/11/2009 at 12:41pm - misc - by 1234 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML
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On 07/11/2009 at 3:43am - misc - by ttsutaoka (man) - United States (California)
Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML
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On 07/10/2009 at 5:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Iraq (Arbil)
Today, I was at the beach and I met a surfer with scars all over his back. Trying to make conversation, I asked "So how'd you get those cool scars? Coral?" To which he replied "Horrific childhood abuse, actually. But yeah, they're pretty cool." FML
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On 07/09/2009 at 10:08am - love - by Anon (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML
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On 07/09/2009 at 1:17am - love - by hatboxghost (man) - United States
Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML
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On 07/08/2009 at 9:34pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Oklahoma)
Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML
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On 07/08/2009 at 8:08am - work - by joybirdnot_13 (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML
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On 07/03/2009 at 2:29am - love - by pinkrazrgirl247 - United States
