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Xellith's favorite FMLs
Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML
by Ohfman117 / 08/11/2009 at 4:30pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML
by pear8head / 08/08/2009 at 12:31pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 08/06/2009 at 7:11am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML
by toadface / 08/04/2009 at 7:25pm / United States (Indiana) / Health
Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML
by Jaybird1587 / 08/03/2009 at 8:43am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
by cricketeer / 08/02/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals
Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML
by NoFriends / 08/02/2009 at 1:12pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous
by kashish0711 / 08/02/2009 at 12:14pm / India (Chandigarh) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML
by roofer / 07/31/2009 at 11:14am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML
by Nikse / 07/29/2009 at 3:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML
by idiot / 07/28/2009 at 12:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML
by Pottymouth / 07/25/2009 at 1:14pm / United States / Money
Today, my husband and I got a new stainless steel microwave. When we took it out of the package we noticed it was blue and got angry. We were about to return it, but we called in our 12 year old daughter to see what she thought of the microwave. She then took off the blue protective plastic. FML
by BlueBaby123 / 07/25/2009 at 7:30am / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML
by lonely / 07/25/2009 at 7:13am / United States (Washington) / Love
by sadgf / 07/25/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Kansas) / Love