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XanderJayNix's favorite FMLs
Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML
by wtf1234 / 05/02/2011 at 9:41pm / United States / Health
Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML
by wowimscrewed / 04/14/2011 at 12:37am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML
by Fcuked / 03/23/2011 at 12:40am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy
Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML
by Mikabe / 02/14/2011 at 1:51pm / Sweden (Varmlands Lan) / Kids
by CatLitterLover / 02/08/2011 at 1:51am / United States (California) / Health
by mortified / 01/22/2011 at 11:04am / United Kingdom (Bristol) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
by Anonymous / 01/16/2011 at 8:28pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my maths teacher was giving my whole class a lecture on 'if you don't pay attention at school, you will fail.' She then pointed out out a man working on the roof and said: 'if you don't listen, you will end up like that guy.' That was my dad. FML
by paperbox / 01/16/2011 at 12:07am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML
by Chris / 01/01/2011 at 12:06am / United States (Illinois) / Work
Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2am. This old man pulls in and asks me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replies, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML
by Anonymous / 10/05/2010 at 5:41am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML
by Anonymous / 09/22/2010 at 4:39pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Geek
Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML
by lonelyguy321 / 07/27/2010 at 10:43am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Intimacy
by RachelVanLannen9 / 07/11/2010 at 9:35pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy
- 1Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on… 2Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 3Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's…
- Today, because I’m on my period, I asked my boyfriend to turn around so I could change my clothes.… Today, after shaking my boss's hand, I noticed that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to one of… Today, on my way home to Bordeaux after a weekend in Paris, I had the pleasure of being sat next to…