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Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
I agree, your life sucks (51157) - you totally deserved it (5034)
On 06/23/2009 at 1:56pm - kids - by ....... (woman) - United States (Colorado)
Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML
I agree, your life sucks (27317) - you totally deserved it (6560)
On 06/21/2009 at 12:19am - misc - by yuck (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML
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On 06/20/2009 at 10:29pm - misc - by meantowheels (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML
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On 06/16/2009 at 2:15am - misc - by Tim (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I was accidently tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML
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On 06/14/2009 at 1:53pm - misc - by Coolkid. (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML
I agree, your life sucks (47413) - you totally deserved it (3235)
On 06/10/2009 at 10:49am - kids - by Lisaa918 - United States (Indiana)
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML
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On 05/08/2009 at 4:53pm - work - by keeks_25 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of MAYO on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14648) - you totally deserved it (75735)
Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML
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On 05/06/2009 at 7:36am - love - by gymbob (woman) - United States (Indiana)
Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by systeminitiated (man) - Canada
Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML
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On 04/26/2009 at 12:07am - kids - by margretlle (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML
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On 04/25/2009 at 12:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Vermont)
Today, I was in an elevator with my family and a family I didn't know. I was about to press the number when somebody came up behind me. I thought it was my brother trying to press the number first, so I aggressivly pushed him out of the way. Turns out it was the other family's ten year old son. FML
I agree, your life sucks (5828) - you totally deserved it (35509)
On 04/25/2009 at 2:52am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)
Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML
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On 04/24/2009 at 11:18am - misc - by Anonymousagb (woman) - United Arab Emirates (Dubai)
Today, I was taking a shower after a run. We were under a tornado watch, and I halfway through the lights dimmed and I heard the tell-tale "train" sound. Panicked, I bolted wet and naked for the basement, crashing into my mom as I flew out the door. The sound was just her new vacuuming. FML
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On 04/21/2009 at 3:16pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)
