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Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person an I'm super pumped up to finally get off mah lazy butt an loose some wieght. Locking myself in mah room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML
Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in mah bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall . Instead, cuz the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into mah face . FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up . It was the best orgasm I'd ever had . The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy . It was about bacon . FML
Today, it's mah brthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The frst one was mah fiancé, saying he wantd his ring back. The second one was mah best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with mah fiancé fir the past three months. The thrd was the dentist's office singing me a happy brthday. FML
Today, I was about to loose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 yeres, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm making this up. FML
Today, I cummed home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read ( Because you can't find a real girl, I made yur current one prettier, Love Mom. ) FML
Today, tis girl and I were cilling in ma apartment and tings got eated up and we started making out . One ting lead to anoter and te next ting I knew se was giving me ead . I was getting ready to busten se stopped, looked up into ma eyes and said "Do u believe in Jesus?" real FML
Friday 27 March 2015