SuperBabyJesuz is my xbox live name, add me if you wanna play...
Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
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On 04/04/2009 at 6:57am - intimacy - by Anonymous - Denmark (Roskilde)
Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML
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On 04/04/2009 at 4:50am - misc - by vetapplez (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 5:43am - money - by rovery (man) - United States (California)
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
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On 04/02/2009 at 1:13am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get diarrhea up and down two of the store aisles, then proceed to the ladies room and mess all over the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with biohazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 1:47am - work - by frenchy (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 6:46pm - misc - by birthdayfun (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 3:06pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML
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On 03/22/2009 at 12:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
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On 03/21/2009 at 12:46am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML
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On 03/20/2009 at 11:08am - misc - by frame (man) - Canada (New Brunswick)
Today, I walked in on my elderly great-great aunt sitting on her recliner in the living room. There was porn on the TV. Thinking that this was an accidental channel change, I asked, "What in the world are you watching!?" She replied in her sweet frail voice, "Two lesbians getting it on!" FML
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On 03/19/2009 at 1:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML
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On 03/19/2009 at 2:05am - intimacy - by Zoe123 (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML
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On 03/19/2009 at 1:15am - misc - by JohnMackSquirts (man) - United States (California)
Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML
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On 03/18/2009 at 1:22am - intimacy - by myennechee (woman) - Germany (Hamburg)
Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML
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On 03/16/2009 at 10:19pm - intimacy - by thiswouldhappen. - United States (Florida)
