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Stealthgasm's favorite FMLs
by annie_nk / 12/26/2012 at 12:25pm / United States (Utah) / Love
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
by Hakimstah / 04/21/2012 at 1:38pm / Lebanon / Intimacy
Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML
by rescuetheduck / 04/10/2012 at 3:26pm / Finland (Eastern Finland) / Work
Today, my professor called me out in the middle of a lecture to ask why I was bleeding. I then had to explain to him, in front of around one hundred of my fellow classmates, that my largest zit had burst. FML
by Jayne / 03/29/2012 at 12:45am / United States / Health
Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML
by Brittany / 02/03/2010 at 12:03am / United States (California) / Animals
by Hairball / 09/01/2009 at 2:05pm / United States (South Carolina) / Work
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
by konens_dick / 03/22/2009 at 6:38am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by cmerr / 03/19/2009 at 3:40am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML
by uncomfortable / 03/11/2009 at 8:20pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
by RC3Welly / 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML
by Girl123999 / 03/04/2009 at 6:07pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Picaresque / 02/26/2009 at 12:57pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
by ruffrider / 02/05/2009 at 9:09am / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
by Boredom / 01/26/2009 at 4:09pm / United States / Intimacy
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- 1Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice… 2Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML 3Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on…