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Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (35615) - you deserved it (4903)
On 01/16/2011 at 8:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)
Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML
I agree, your life sucks (26823) - you deserved it (2071)
On 01/11/2011 at 1:46pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was "I farted". Well, at least they all laughed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22738) - you deserved it (6332)
On 12/15/2010 at 6:57am - work - by Mike -
Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8907) - you deserved it (19353)
On 11/26/2010 at 10:43am - misc - by blackitalian - United States
Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML
I agree, your life sucks (6533) - you deserved it (27822)
On 09/09/2010 at 4:04pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML
I agree, your life sucks (27771) - you deserved it (8842)
On 08/01/2010 at 4:45am - kids - by kfoehslfns - United States (Oregon)
Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29327) - you deserved it (1689)
On 03/07/2010 at 5:27am - misc - by notamathematician (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16358) - you deserved it (9770)
On 02/15/2010 at 12:03am - love - by tayluh26 - United States (California)
Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30067) - you deserved it (2503)
On 02/13/2010 at 11:08am - animals - by Dog fart - United States
Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30067) - you deserved it (2503)
On 02/13/2010 at 11:08am - animals - by Dog fart - United States
Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML
I agree, your life sucks (23038) - you deserved it (3235)
On 01/25/2010 at 3:47am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was at a party where I ate bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14741) - you deserved it (23688)
On 11/14/2009 at 8:37am - misc - by swedishdude (man) - Sweden (Skane Lan)
Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (21423) - you deserved it (2285)
On 10/15/2009 at 9:59pm - health - by Rob - Sent from mobile version
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML
I agree, your life sucks (43868) - you deserved it (4511)
On 09/14/2009 at 10:13am - love - by babymomma (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19881) - you deserved it (6919)
On 08/31/2009 at 12:06am - work - by Mack (man) - United States (California)
Wednesday 15 May 2013
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