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Today... mah 19-year-old son told me his girlfriend is pregnant... and was diagnosd with an STD. He's sure that he's the father. He's also sure he doesn't have an STD... cuz he's a virgin. I had to give him the sex talk that his school never did... as well as explain to him that his girlfriend is a cheater. mega FML
today ma grandma took it upon erself to give me te sex talk. After explaining te mecanics in excessive detail se said I souldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently I ned to be comfortable wit te mano'll be ( conning me into blowing im 4 te next 50 years. ) FML
TODAY, IT WAS MY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY WITH MY BOYFRIEND. AS WE WERE ABOUT TO EXCHANGE GIFTS, HE GOT A CALL AND SAID HE HAD TO GO HOME IMMEDIATELY. WHAT WAS THE EMERGENCY? HIS GUILD LEADER COULDN'T FIND ANOTHER HEALER TO FINISH A RAID AND PROMISED MY BOYFRIEND GEAR IF HE WOULD STEP UP. MEGA FML
Today , while at a pool party , I found out the reason I got my new , white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet!! I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling!! FML
Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment 4 her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room 4 hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML
Today, mah husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own looool version of a wet-willy!! He creeped up on me as I was sleeping an wiggled his wet penis around in mah ear!! big fat FML
Today, mah boyfriend discoverd that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs mah clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewardd with a queef. He found it hilarious and testd it out 5 more times. FML
Today , after having bought mah daughter a complete set of new school clothes , she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them , or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML
TODAY, I HAD TO BUY GROCERIESHILE SUFFERING HORRIBLE MORNING SICKNESS. MY NAUSEA MAGNIFIED AS I STOOD IN LINE BEHIND AN OBESE LADY WEARING A TANK TOP AND TINY SHORT SHORTS. I LOST EVERYTHING IN MY STOMACHHEN SHE STUCK HER HAND DOWN HER SHORTS AND STARTED SCRATCHING AT HER ASS-CRACK. FML
Taday my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase bieng dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate ( Who raised u to be such a pig? ) Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question . FML
Yesterday... I was getting a bikini wax to prove to mah husband that I looool could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax... she said... "You know... if I wanted to... I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML
Friday 27 March 2015