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PoisonedLiquor's favorite FMLs
by wtf / 01/10/2014 at 11:47am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML
by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 11:12am / United States (Indiana) / Health
by RaccoonFever / 01/10/2014 at 6:15am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML
by polluxdc / 01/10/2014 at 3:20am / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML
by stalked / 01/08/2014 at 3:27pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/07/2014 at 11:21pm / United States (Maryland) / Love
Today, a guy I like asked me to a dance. Trying to act modest and at the same time compliment him, I told him, "You could do so much better, though." After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You're right, I could. Never mind," and walked away. FML
by Anonymous / 01/07/2014 at 7:39pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love
Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML
by peepeepainter / 01/06/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids
Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML
by Elisa_LmR / 01/03/2014 at 6:28pm / France / Miscellaneous
Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML
by estranger / 01/03/2014 at 5:36pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by notsohandy / 01/03/2014 at 5:08pm / Denmark (Midtjylland) / Intimacy
Today, my son was playing The Sims, when I saw him remove the door to a room and set it on fire with a Sim trapped inside. I chuckled at first, until I saw that the Sim was me. Meanwhile, my wife's Sim was happily painting in the next room, not giving a crap. All too accurate, sadly. FML
by Anonymous / 01/03/2014 at 4:50pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML
by thanks.... / 01/03/2014 at 4:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML
by Anonymous / 01/02/2014 at 12:14am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
by Vincent / 01/02/2014 at 12:04am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy