Officer Barbrady: "Move along people, Nothing to see here!"
- http://twitter.com/Woodfarmer (just started it)
Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38282) - you totally deserved it (2172)
On 09/01/2009 at 12:48pm - money - by adriana (woman) - United States (Utah)
Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML
I agree, your life sucks (31820) - you totally deserved it (3922) - moderated and selected by the Jackass crew
On 07/30/2009 at 11:52am - intimacy - by VelocityMary (woman) - United States
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
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On 07/16/2009 at 6:16am - kids - by notawizard (woman) - Spain (Catalonia)
Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML
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On 07/05/2009 at 1:21am - work - by Barista (man) - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29981) - you totally deserved it (2676)
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you F*ing cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
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On 06/10/2009 at 2:09pm - intimacy - by badmom (woman) - Canada (Quebec)
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from facebook requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML
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On 06/08/2009 at 6:41am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Singapore
Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML
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On 06/02/2009 at 8:19am - intimacy - by Ariel (man) - Israel (HaMerkaz)
Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML
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On 05/27/2009 at 5:48am - love - by xpxp2002 (man) - United States (Ohio)
Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML
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On 05/25/2009 at 11:04pm - misc - by silvercity09 (woman) - Canada (Quebec)
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
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On 05/22/2009 at 3:50pm - intimacy - by herve (man) - Lebanon (Beyrouth)
Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and proceeded to say (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML
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On 05/18/2009 at 8:40am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Belfast)
Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML
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On 05/03/2009 at 2:17am - work - by caphis (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 2:28am - work - by Dunzo15 (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML
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On 04/30/2009 at 1:41pm - misc - by kas (woman) - United States (Indiana)
