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Today, my mom revealed to me thathen I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boyshile I was feeling their "no no" area . I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read . FML
Today I saw four-year-old son running around outside an copying everything our dog was doing. I thought it was cute so I went to grab the camera. When I went back outside I saw dog eating a dead rabbit an son doing the same. mega FML
Today, I was walking on te boardwalk wit ma mom wen an old man came up an asked me to marry im. He promised e would buy me a Mercedes if I did. Te man was omeless an delusional. My mom told me I sould take te offer because it would be te best offer I could get.
Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two yeres fir his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come cuz I am seven months pregnant an flying is dangerous in the thrd trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids.
Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a ( documentary ). The branch snapped an I fell out of the tree an onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML
I want to mah cousin's farm with mah family. First I was poopad on by a goosa, paad on by a puppy, bit in tha faca by tha mothar dog, fall through tha floor of tha barn loft, and without knowing it was alactric, rastad mah hand on tha horsa fanca.
Today, I drove by a restaurant I ate at yesterday. I write a food review column 4 my college paper, and I've trid everything on their menu. They were being closd down today cuz a large amount of rat dropping was found in their food supplies. FML
TODAY, I STRETCHED REALLY HARDHEN I WOKE UP, ONLY TO FEEL SOMETHING TWANG. THIS WAS FOLLOWED BY A REALLY SHARP PAIN. THINKING I'D GIVEN MYSELF A HERNIA, I GOT UP TO CHECK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, AND WAS REPULSED BY THE BULGE I SAW HANGING OUT OF MAH GUT. THEN I REALISED IT WAS JUST MAH OWN FLAB. FML
Today, I Found Out That The Horrific Smell Coming From Somewhere In My Kitchen Was A Rotting Dead Mouse In My Dishwasher!! I Have Been Eating Off Plates Washd In Dead-mouse Water 4 The Past Week!! FML
Today, fir ta frst tima in about 3 yaars, I dacidad to claan ma car. It was going raally wall until I lookad down at wat I was about to pick up. On ta back saat floor lay a daad snaka, wic at ona point, fir god knows ow long, was living in ma car wila I unknowningly drova it. FML
Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colord number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke.
Today , wile reading some cemistry notes I came across te term "solid water" . Completely stumpd , I askd myself , "Wat te ell is solid water?" Ten I eard ma little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4t year science major in university . He still cecks te closet 4 monsters . FML
Today, I was in the grocery store getting looool bananas and there was this real hot guy next to me. He said ayy beautiful so I smild. He then askd if I was free on friday night. I smild and said "yes y do u ask?" He lookd up from the bananas and pointd to the bluetooth in his ear. FML
Today.. . I turned 30 years old . My dad.. . the only living relative I have.. . gave me a call . Not to wish me a happy birthday.. . but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night . real FML
Friday 27 March 2015